I love how Facebook reminds you of what you were doing, thinking, saying, ruminating upon this time in prior years. So, on January 2nd I received a reminder of the same date last year. I was so emotional because my (then) partner’s children were in town with us, my son was with us, the children and I were having a great time with each other and we were all so excited about our new addition who was due within a month. Part of my strong feelings around this day was that I was living my dream, living in a big house in my favorite suburb with a big family. My son and his new stepsister and brother seemed to be clicking perfectly. When I would gather my preggo snax…root beer, popcorn, sunflower seeds, dried cranberries, medjool dates or any combination thereof…and head for the bedroom to watch Netflix and chit chat on the phone, my babies would follow me. I can’t even put into words right now how much I LOVED THIS!! These adolescents/teenagers were actually following me to just chill. With me. LOVE! The other part of the emotional feelings was knowing that the high energy that filled the house when they were there would be gone in a day or so. Once they left, I knew I’d be right back to my partner not speaking to me and the major discomfort of thinking I was perhaps going to spend my life (or some significant portion thereof) with a man who just didn’t care to be kind to me.
I’m sure as you read, you’re asking, “ummm…why not just leave his @$$?” I could not. My intense fear of being a twice ruined, two baby-daddy having, aint no man committed to you yet???, broke, lonely shell of a woman coupled with my concern for his mental wellbeing made me vow to stick it out and figure it out. I had even told my friend, “I ain’t going nowhere!” Oh, I was committed. He was not.
Two days later, he came home and told me that he was opting out. This was the manifestation of all my deepest darkest fears. He didn’t care about my lower back pain from crashing on my parents’ recliner at 9 months pregnant, or my teenie-weenie part-time income or my fear of not having someone hold my hand in labor or my broken heart.
He just opted out. Thank God.
Because he had the selfishness to crush my heart and soul, I had to face all of biggest fears all at once. Now to be completely honest, that shit took me all year, but a year later, I feel so much better. Soaking in a funky mud puddle of your biggest fears does wonders for the skin! To be able to look back and know that you faced it and made it through is reassuring as hell, if not possibly rewarding. I cannot say that I came through it well. I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster and I don’t even mess with roller coasters. I have felt a deep, palpable sadness and unbelievable lack of motivation that I never knew. I’m pretty sure I’ve burnt at least 94.7% of my professional connections, not from a lack of follow-through but just from being so incredibly unfocused. And, while I wanted to be building my freelance business, I just stopped. A lot. But, I survived. Now I know I can survive. Now I know I don’t have to hold on to ANYONE (not even for the children) and that holding on like that is counterintuitive and flat-out dangerous. What you resist, persists. Now I know how depression feels. Now I have a testimony. Plus, I see the value of journaling…typically one of my least favorite self-development activities.
So, onward to 2017. I have a fresh clean palate on which to build, rebuild and CREATE! You’ve signed up for the the #resolutelife Planning 2017 Workbook. You’ve used my promo code, NAJAH10, to order your discounted Passion Planner. You (and I) are in the perfect position to execute a solid year, Baby! I’ve been to the darkside and I’m back to let you know, WE CAN MAKE IT THROUGH and we are all the better for having ventured in the first place. Let’s do this.
Peace, Love & Light ♥